Why I Unfriended Facebook and Why No One Cares

I recently took the drastic step of deleting my Facebook account. I realised on the bus after no conscious thought that this was unregrettably the right thing to do. Like a dog that had to be put-down, only not a dog  and more a diseased looking Jeremy Kyle contestant and not so much put-down but just moved over there out of my olfactory range. I realised after weeks if not months of building antagonism towards the global juggernaut one-size fits-all social networking giant. I mean just imagine the things I could now with my time, instead of the mindless trudging through the flaccid endless status updates from former school-goers, worker drones and university class acquaintances, like LEARN JAPANESE…

Now obviously I’m not going to learn Japanese as I’m far too lazy but the idea of adding up all the time I spent on Facebook and converting it magically through the medium of positive thinking into productivity is a fantastic one, as is shitting gold, or jizzing out Playboy models (although would that be counted as incestuous?…don’t think too deeply into that one and read on.)

Realistically it’s not going to happen, however I still stand by decision to delete my 2nd most visited bookmark almost one hour later and the reasons are thus:

1) Unconnectivity– ‘The’ Facebook is supposed to be about getting people from all over the world connected – and admittedly I had my friends from America, Korea and Australia on there. But how often do I speak to them after the initial couple of weeks when I saw them last summer? Well practically never. I said ‘happy birthday’ to some of them, Yes – but ‘connectivity’, the whole world at the touch of a button? That would be stretching the reality pretty thin. I really only have three  friends: two who don’t have Facebook – one deleted his, the other was steadfast in never having one and who happens to be my girlfriend (which is annoying because as she doesn’t have Facebook she is deemed by many to not exist, which is one of the ways FB recruits people – like a pyramid scheme or a cult, “It is a good system..”) and the third person who still has his but seldom uses it. My main form of communication is either SMS texting, face-to-face or phone calls. The only people who I interacted with on Facebook tended to be a very small group of work/uni pals who  I had similar interests with but seldom socialised with in the real world.

2) Mongbook – When I first signed up for Facebook it seemed genuinely new and exciting, a rival to MySpace a scalp which it would ultimately claim and surpass. I mean are we the ‘Facebook generation’? I shudder at the thought but it would seem to be the case. Now like anything, the morons have taken over. In the weeks before I pressed the dreaded red button that sent my social network into a vast mushroom cloud of viral smoke, burning my precious photographs, statuses and ‘likes’ in an invisible atomic gas, I noticed the decline in almost every aspect of the experience. Facebook groups once were admittedly a mixed bag but contained some genuine moments of wits, reminiscence or aesthetic value, now boiled down into the most basic form of emotion – the ‘like’. Akin to the over-fed oaf grunting his approval at things that stimulate his pituitary glands, they have become a largely inane – endless stream of “Nan *insert something inappropriate jokes here*” (probably outdated and replaced with something equally droll by the time you read this) to the downright almost racist ones that many of my so-called friends were gleefully liking  and as a result making me really like them less.

3) Unpopularity – My annoyance at my lack of popularity, I’ve seen girls with upwards of 120 ‘likes’ on pictures of them in a bikini and while I understand the reasons for this and don’t believe a picture of me in the same bikini would provoke the same response it still annoys me that nothing I could ever do within my own very small realm of popularity could ever achieve such lustre so I’m backing out now, almost like a football supporter who can’t play football as well as the team he goes to see nearly every week but can criticise the star forward by saying ‘ooo he’s not very good at kicking is he, and for all that money too, boooooo.’ I’m removing myself from the field of play so I can criticise from the sidelines without being part of it.

4) Unfriends – The whole idea of ‘friends’ as mentioned earlier I have about 3 non-family people who I speak to daily, followed by a wider circle who I speak to on a week-to-week basis, yet I see non-famous people with upwards of 2000 friends. Which make me wonder where do they get the time to maintain these various friendships? I struggle with the few I have  and this leads me to the  ”happy birthday’ conundrum’: e.g.  people I haven’t spoke to for over a year but feel obliged to say ‘happy birthday’ to for when  the inevitable chance encounter soon after their anniversary of their birth results in a dreaded awkward situation. Only to realise that they haven’t said it to me 8 months before!! The bastards. I should delete them……But best not. Just in case.

5) And finally the endless email updates, which obviously I could have turned off but then what If I missed something vital?

Oh well now that this article is finished I can post it to my….oh.

Facebook  Alternatives:
Twitter for status updates only better..

StumbleUpon for pointless links etc.
Tumblr for pretty pictures to gawp at.
Google+ cos facebook will only last so long before it becomes MySpace.

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One Response to “Why I Unfriended Facebook and Why No One Cares”

  1. Bullet McKenzie Says:

    awesome read. as for the people with 500+ friends. I have about 900 (i also work in the music industry and write a blog) so when my email is filled up i can use it as more of another form of emailing people. i guess gmail is all spammy and most of my mail there is from PR companies. Facebook is only good for messaging people. but out of all those friends i talk to about 300 on a daily basis and the others are part of the “happy birthday” conundrum you speak of. Although if i ever “unfriend” someone its basically cause its a creepy guy just FB stalking me since they dont have the “cojones” to do it in real life.

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